Land of Stupid

Ladies, do not worry. He is not dangerous and he wouldn’t know what to do with you if he caught you. And he couldn’t catch you because he is the size of a beached whale. The “he” I am referring to is the FBI-dubbed “Playboy Bandit.” The rather large 40-45 year-old man was caught on surveillance last month robbing a Charter One Bank in Alsip, Illinois. He made off with an undisclosed sum of money, somehow out-maneuvering law enforcement officials. The truly baffling question is: “what kind of a dude would wear a Playboy hat in public?” Clearly, we are dealing with a very virginal dude. I have a feeling the Playboy Bandit is currently looking to end his 45 year coochie-free existence by using Charter One funds in Chicago’s Red Light district.

Leave a 1,000 pound woman to babysit a child and only bad things can occur. The most likely outcomes are that the kid becomes lunch or is accidentally flattened into a whoopee cushion. Yet neither of these scenarios unfolded as Mayra Lizbeth Rosales, 27, of Edinburgh, Texas, was indicted on one count of first-degree murder after it was determined that she struck her nephew twice in the head, causing the 2-year-old to suffer a crushed skull. The reason for this brutal attack is not yet known. Prosecutors have the unenviable task of trying to figure out how to prosecute this half ton behemoth. Rosales is unable to physically leave her house because she cannot fit through the door. Additionally, she is incapable of being held in a jail cell without extensive medical care.

Your head must be occupied with crickets and not much else to think that an oven is a good hiding place for a loaded gun. Anthony Smith, 24, of Chicago, has been arrested and charged with two counts of endangering the life of a child, after the gun he hid in the family’s oven discharged, injuring two children. The injured children’s sister was cooking on Friday afternoon when the gun went off, spoiling her meal and ripping flesh from her 4 and 12-year-old brothers. The brothers were hit in the leg and forehead, respectively. Smith, on parole for previous convictions, was also charged with unlawful use of a weapon. This mentally challenged convict needs to be put away for good as his appearance on earth has been largely useless to date.

A Hawaiian man brought the horse of an ailing relative to the Wilcox Memorial Hospital in hopes of cheering up his buddy. According to Hospital spokeswoman Lani Yukimura, a drunk man and horse rode the elevator up to the third floor before security personnel met and stopped them. The patient was brought out to see the horse, but claimed it wasn’t his horse. Apparently the drunk man brought the wrong horse to the hospital. Wilcox Memorial hospital allows visitation by cats and dogs, but not horses. The man and horse were escorted out of the hospital with little incident. There is no word on whether the man was later stopped for dunk driving of a horse.

The tenth time was the charm for perennial drunk driver and all-around loser Anthony Lynn Falco. Some may say the great state of Texas was slow to react, but they are finally locking up the 53-year-old Taylor man after he recorded his tenth DWI charge last June. Thankfully, Falco will be removed from society before he kills someone and is slated to serve 60 years in prison. The 10 DWI charges date back to 1979. Falco has also been convicted of theft, family violence assault, and forgery.

Talk about a sticky situation. Centava Dozier, a 21-year-old native of Harris County, Texas, has slapped American Airlines with a $200,000 lawsuit. This was is response to a fellow passenger slapping his salami in the seat next to Dozier. Lots of slapping going on! According to Dozier, a male passenger seated next to her on a flight to Los Angeles, deposited baby batter into her hair while she was sleeping. When Dozier awoke, she found the man polishing his rod and noticed the substance in her hair. Dozier claims that when she sought help from flight attendants, they did nothing. The man was  promptly arrested when the plane touched down in Los Angeles.

Struggling actresses take note: The most effective way to revive your fledgling career is to think is terms of these three letters: X, X, and X. Make the jump from traditional acting to adult acting and we just may talk about you, perhaps even make you relevant once again. Kristin Davis, a former star on Melrose Place and Sex and the City, is rumored to have starred in a homemade adult feature. Still images of the actress have surfaced on the internet, showing her engaged in various sword swallowing positions. A full length feature is rumored to exist and is currently being shopped around to the highest bidder. Welcome back, Kristin!

The huge scam known as Wall Street is clearly alive and kicking as former financial powerhouse Bear Stearns has free-fallen into oblivion, agreeing to be bought out by rival JPMorgan Chase for a measly $2 per share. The nest-egg of 14,000+ employees has effectively been wiped out, along with the fortunes of 1,000’s of other investors. Bear Stearns CEO Alan Schwartz proclaimed that the financial situation at BS was stable early last week. Was he lying? The millionaire CEO proclaimed on Friday that economic situations at the company suddenly took a turn for the worse over the previous 24 hours, sending shock waves through the market and sending Bear stock down a whopping $27 to $30/share. If you didn’t get out on Friday, you are completely screwed.

Edward Wise Davis, 37, and his wife Brazell Davis, 36, are  clearly dedicated drinkers, but as parents they could use some helpful pointers. Davis drove to a local Florida bar with his 8-year-old daughter to meet his wife. When they arrived at the bar, Davis told his daughter to stay in the vehicle and “keep the doors locked and not to let anyone in the truck.” More than two hours later, the police responded to a call at Siggy’s American Bar after being tipped off about a girl locked in a truck. The little girl had spent more than two hours in the truck while her parents were hanging out at the bar. The young girl told police that she feared someone would kidnap her. A change of parents actually might not be such a bad idea. The Davis’ face charges of child neglect and will not win “Parents of the Year” awards this year.

What is this world coming to when even a man’s prosthetic leg can be the target of theft? Australian Paralympic champion Brendan Burkett was vacationing with his family, when his spare pegleg was stolen from a Sunshine Coast beach. The theft took place at at Noosa River Caravan Park. Said Burlett, “Two o’clock this morning we heard a fair bit of rattling in the boat, and these two blokes got in there. We had fishing gear and surf boards in there and they took the pegleg, my waterproof leg.” The pegleg costs several thousand to replace and takes months to construct. Burkett, a former swimming champion, is appealing to the public for help, “If anyone sees it, just give it to the police. I just want it back, I don’t care how damaged it is.”