Land of Stupid

Sports Illustrated is citing four unidentifiable sources that Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroid use in 2003. Coincidentally, A-Rod just happened to win the AL home run title and MVP award in 2003.

SI article

Producing a decent black-and-white cookie is pretty impressive, but producing black-and-white children in the same batch is downright amazing. Dean Durrant and Alison Spooner have become the master chefs of black and white offspring, having recently given birth to another set of black and white twins, seven years after accomplishing the feat for the first time.

44-year-old Connecticut woman Marvalyn Foster was awarded nearly $198,000 by a jury after it was determined that her dentist, Darren Martinez, turned her chompers into “horse teeth.” The dentist promised to provide Foster with a “big, beautiful Hollywood celebrity smile.” Instead Foster was provided with a Mr. Ed smile. It could have been worse, Marvalyn. Be happy the dentist didn’t perform surgery that would have had you hung like a horse.

Drive-by shootings have nothing on the Nintendo Wii. Fat people across the world are finding further excuses not to exercise. According to doctors in Britain, up to 10 people are admitted to the hospital each week due to Nintendo Wii-related injuries. “There has been a 100 percent increase in patients complaining of Wii-itis,” said Dr. Dev Mukerjee of Broomfield Hospital. Tendon stretching and tearing due to the sudden movements utilized during tennis and running games are usually the culprits. Knee-related problems caused by the bending of the knee in Wii-Fit have also been observed.  Full Story

A postal worker he is not, for a postal worker can deliver mail in rain, sleet, snow, and most assuredly fog. The airline Flybe does not have such high expectations of its employees. A plane headed to Paris from Cardiff, England was forced to turn around when foggy conditions were discovered by the pilot. As the plane made its way towards Paris, the pilot made the following announcement to the passengers, “Unfortunately I’m not qualified to land the plane in Paris. They are asking for a level two qualification and I only have a level five. We’ll have to fly back.” To add insult to injury, the plane was already delayed three hours before taking off for Paris. I wonder if the passengers received double reward miles. FULL STORY

Out like a fat chick in dodgeball! D-cupped super-fan Sondra Fortunato was escorted out of Giants Stadium last Sunday for violating stadium rules that prohibit the use of signs. Her 11×17 signs read “Go Giants” and “Have a No Guns Christmas.” In addition to the heinous crime of carrying signage, Fortunato showed up to the stadium wearing nothing but a Santa costume, tiara, fishnet stockings, bathing suit bottom, and high heels. Her chest puppies, capable of feeding a small Ethiopian village, were probably the real culprits in leading to her premature exit from the facility.

Apparently, Oakland Raiders football was alive and well in Baghdad this morning. As President Bush delivered a  farewell speech in Iraq’s capital, an angry Iraqi man in the crowd, Muntadar al-Zeidi, hurled two shoes, one at a time, at President Bush. And just like what is typically witnessed in Oakland Raiders football games, both passes missed their target and lay incomplete. The shoes sailed over the President’s head as the man was dragged out of the room, kicking and screaming. Said Bush, “That was a size 10 shoe he threw at me, you may want to know.”

We know that most KFC employees do not bathe on a daily basis. I would have changed “most” to “all” had I not come across this story out of Anderson, California. Apparently three female workers at that KFC location decided to turn the establishment’s deep sink into a bathtub. Wearing nothing but underwear and swimwear, the trio photographed their exploits and proved to us all that KFC employees do in fact bathe.

10,500 Europeans across 25 countries were instructed to go home, whip out their yogurt squirters, and measure them. Details on how to measure, with what device, and in what stage of arousal are unknown at this time. Nonetheless, the Institute of Condom Consultancy, the mastermind of this study, has reported that French men claim to have the largest peckers, clocking in at 6.09 inches. The Greeks, on the other hand, have the smallest puds, clocking in at a mere 4.89 inches. The German-based Institute arms itself with this kind of data so that it can provide advice on condom size and how to prevent against STD’s. This information is unveiled at its annual “Pimp Your Condom” fair.

Don’t worry Greeks - if the study ever expands to the Asian region, you likely won’t be on the bottom of the list. And don’t brag, Frenchie, if the study ever expands to the African region, your reign of penile dominance will be over. They measure with yardsticks over there.

The tragedy of it all. Lindsey Evans, the star of many a man’s late night spank sessions, has been stripped of her Miss Teen Louisiana crown after leaving a restaurant without paying the bill. The 18-year-old bombshell, along with three friends (I’m assuming they were hot as well), racked up a restaurant bill of $46.07, but decided to bail on the check. The group was successful in leaving the restaurant and evading the bill, but were forced to return when Evans realized that she had left her pocketbook inside. Upon returning to the restaurant and retrieving her pocketbook, police stopped Evans and searched her bag. unfortunately for her, hiding among the tampons, diet pills, and vomit bags inside Evans’ pocketbook, was a nice old bag of weed. Evans was promptly arrested and stripped of her crown.